Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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