i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
