Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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