just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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