life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.