I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.