How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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