I could have mohawked her pubes.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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