so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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