I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
