last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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