it wasn't lemon gatorade
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
