I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
