yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
