I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
