it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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