omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize