First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
