Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
