i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
