i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
