I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
