he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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