Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
