If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
