I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
