I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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