bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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