You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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