Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
