My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
