dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
