i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
