pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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