Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Randomize
