yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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