College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
