I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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