yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
