I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
