Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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