I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
