hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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