Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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