Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
