I met the friendliest cop last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We are all done wearing pants today
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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