apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
