I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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