I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you bring me the toilet please
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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