i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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