Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
