My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
