i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
