dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
