Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
