My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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