plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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