She said her name was "party"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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