i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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