I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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