I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
