U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
